The Golden Year

Quick-Like Update

(01) J. took me on a mini-vaca over FOJ weekend to a log cabin his bro had rented on a lake in TN. No job or job hunting, no running, no T., no class... it was the best thing we could have done. Saw a completely different side of him: so relaxed, so happy, so carefree. Such a good change for us and almost complete turnaround from where we were a month ago. Would ul photos to an album, but too big for Typepad and too late at night/tired to deal with it now.

(02) Applied tonight for a Studio Manager position for a local photog that advertised on Craigslist. Legit ad, too, as I checked out her website before replying. Basically admin stuff for the studio + all the things I already do at home on my own photos, but getting paid for it: using Photoshop and Lightroom, general post-processing, creating and ordering albums, etc. Trying not to get too excited, but think might actually have a chance since I'm not applying with a huge corporation and/or dumb headhunting company that will take weeks to get back to me and then tell me they've 'went with someone else.' Wrote a from scratch heartfelt cover letter as well as sent a sample layout as 'proof' I can use PS. So praying that I'll hear back next week. Being unemployed is really wearing me down. I'm sick of myself.

The Boesch-t Kind of Update

[Ha ha. I am so clever. That will only be funny if you know Emmy.]

Emmy and I, after three YEARS, have finally worked out seeing each other again! I am so excited. Emmy & co. are going to be driving over here next weekend to meet up for an afternoon of picnicking 'n' playing. J. was even sweet enough to work out special arrangements w his ex so that he could have T. for the day. I just know Emmy's H. and my T. will be like two peas in a pod once they meet! The park where I'd like to go even has a 9 hole mini golf course and merry-go-round that J. has promised is big enough for ME to ride! Can we say Kodak opportunity?! *lol* Between Emmy's camera and mine, I foresee us having an easy 100 shots of all the action, and this time, I will not let them leave until E. & I get a photo together. Can you believe we've been friends 4+ years and not one photo of us together?! Disgraceful.

I love having something to look forward to in the middle of the drudgery of Life. :P

Work (Or Lack Thereof) Update

Y'know that second interview I went on that was real superfun and laidback and casual? The one where the guy said I had a 'really impressive' resume and a 'really great' interview? The one where I emailed him last week to follow up and he said I was one of his 'top 2 favorite' candidates?

Yeah, today I got the classic 'You were great, but we went with someone else.' email. I had been preparing myself for this exact news most of the week, though, so I'm not as upset or disappointed as I would have been last week. The rejection has become a common daily thing like eating lunch and applying for jobs on Careerbuilder, y'know? Just one more 'Sorry, but you're just not good enough.' to process and then move past.

I did have an initial interview someplace last week, but the interview was shoddy, at best, as the interviewer didn't seem to know what he was doing and when I got down to specifics like pay, benefits, etc. said he couldn't answer any of those questions for me. I'd have to wait for the second interview, and those wouldn't be happening until two weeks from then as the big boss is on vaca this week. I guess I'll follow up there Monday or Tuesday.

Evidently, I'm good enough for a second interview, but not good enough to get past the second. I'm trying to go over in my head if there's anything I've done in both second interviews that would turn an employer off, but I can't think of anything.

I just wanted to keep you guys updated on the never-ending search.

That Funny Feeling: The Aftermath

There were some awkward pauses & some stops 'n' starts to the conversation, but when all was said and done, it was going reasonably well. The other gurls were sharing pics via their digital cameras, so those were being passed around the table as we waited for dinner to arrive.

And then I went to the bathroom.

This was, evidently, a big mistake.

I discovered my mistake approximately 2 minutes after I sat down at which time Ballsy, the nosiest gossip-y-est b****y one, sat up in her seat and said, 'So, LA, what happened w you and Ex? You disappeared for five years and then showed up here. What's the story? I think you owe us all an explanation.'

It's not even that I was appalled at her gall, because she has always been that way, but more disappointed that a couple of the other gurls didn't even stick up for me and voice how inappropriate and rude it was to call me out in a public place in front of the entire group. Evidently, my 5 minutes in the bathroom was used to discuss how much they 'had to know' my business, and I'm sure Ballsy gamely volunteered to confront me on the issue to everyone else's relief that they didn't have to be 'the bad guy' and ask me. Moreover, I had explained and apologized to Ballsy as well as the other two gurls I was closest to over a year ago, when I first discovered them on My Space, so Ballsy's only point in doing this would be to humiliate me or make me beg forgiveness.

I'm better than those games, though. I may have played them in college, but not anymore. Without missing a beat and looking Ballsy straight in the eye, I gave the standard generic 5 minute divorce explanation: growing apart, different lives, etc. I certainly did NOT apologize. When I was done, I began eating my salad again and waited for the conversation to pick up. Ballsy had to end the discussion with a little condescending speech abt how I've now learned my lesson, know what a good relationship is like, etc. because she's a self-professed expert having been with her BF the last four years [insert eyeroll here]. She was equally as condescending earlier in the evening when she asked how long J. & I had been together and I said the # of months and she had to say to the other gurls, 'Oh, young love. Isn't it so cute when they still count their time together in months?' [insert barfing here]

And then the dinner was over, we got a group shot, and everyone went their separate ways. I still don't have anyone's phone # or email addy, no one made any future group plans, etc. It was just as if it was one solitary moment in time, and that was that. So frustrating and juvenile. I know full well that as soon as they all got into their respective vehicles they were on the phone to discuss every juicy detail. Thank God I dressed up and did my hair and makeup. At least they couldn't pick at me too much for that.

Why do I even bother being friends w women? They're so stupid and hurtful sometimes.

That Funny Feeling

My parents were in town today, so they took me to lunch before heading home. As my mom comes back from the restaurant bathroom, she has the strangest look on her face. Come to find out that she has run into my college roommate, who does live here in town, who only recognized her because I am my mother's spitting image minus 30 years.  Feeling odd, I headed into the bathroom, where College Roomie was changing her son, to say hi.

We exchanged pleasantries, and I went back to her table to meet her husband, but it was just so odd. Ironically, our college clique is getting together tomorrow evening, at the behest of the sole member who does not live within an hour of my city, so I would have seen her tomorrow even if I hadn't today. As we were talking for those 5 minutes or so, I kept thinking abt how close we once were, how we once were best friends who knew everything abt each other, how we did everything together along with the college clique in our fun college bubble, how it was all so easy and simple then before bills and divorces and unemployment. It was as if I was having two simultaneous conversations, really: the grownup late 20 something 'Hi, how are you? Good. How are you?' crap with my mouth and the 19 year old 'I miss you. I can't believe we are not friends anymore after all we went through back then. Why didn't my apology and attempt at reaching out matter to you?' with my heart.

I wonder which conversation she heard.

I have the same funny feeling abt tomorrow's get-together. Of the six of us, four have kept in regular contact since college. The fifth also fell out of touch, like me, but is moving back to town and has a cute baby to win her way back into the group's good graces as 3 of the 6 are now mothers.  The same three with children are happily married, two to their college sweethearts, while a fourth is nearly engaged.  I am the only divorcee, of course, and the only one unemployed and on her own.

I agreed to go for the sake of old times and to get out of the house (not knowing then that I would be jobless so I would NEED an excuse to get out among other human beings), but I am struggling with my old demons: insecurity and not belonging. The inside jokes, the talk of babies and weddings, the shared experiences in the last six years will just about kill me, I know. The fact that I can't afford new clothes and I have inch-long roots because I can't afford to color my hair kills me as well. The fact that I will have to explain and describe my unemployment in excruciating detail (for some reason, people think it is endearing when they pepper you with questions abt your job search every other day) to all these gurls who have never struggled for work and are now happily living their dreams of being married and owning a house and having little kids to raise and love on will push me over the edge.

I guess what I'm saying is that I am fully prepared for the emotional onslaught that will happen during what is supposed to be a casual fun gathering of friends, but at the same time, I have the smallest amount of hope that one of them will reach out to me and say that it will all be okay and that maybe we could hang out in the meantime.

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If Wishes Were Horses...

... beggars would ride. This phrase did not make any sense to me until I was in college and then I was like, 'Ohhhh. That makes perfect sense. And is a beautiful image, too.'

J. and I were driving to (from?) lunch this week when he mentioned vacations. Or trips. Something to do with traveling elsewhere. I have not been on vaca in so long that I think I've forgotten what it's like.

Although I had mentioned it in passing before, I brought up my wish to visit PEI some day. After he jokingly asked if that was some kind of medical condition, I explained further: No, PEI is Prince Edward Island. In Canada. Where Anne Shirley Blythe 'lived.' Where Lucy Maud grew up. Where the Lake of Shining Waters rests. Where the Anne of Green Gables museum and house is.

Of course, this seems crazy to him. It is hard to explain to someone who has never read much how much a book affects a reader.

Growing up, I lived and breathed the Anne of Green Gables books, wished so hard for red hair and violet eyes, pined after an imaginary boy named Gilbert who would love me unconditionally and forever no matter what I did until I finally got some sense and realized he was my soulmate, made writing just like L.M. did my lifelong goal. Crazy, but true. I am not ashamed to admit that I would have traded my childhood in a second to be a character in those books.

I will get there someday.

Forward Motion

When I see that its good (that its good)
To experience the bittersweet
To taste defeat
Then brush my teeth
Experience the bittersweet
To taste defeat
Then brush my teeth

Cause I struggle with forward motion
I struggle with forward motion
We all struggle with forward motion
Cause forward motion is harder than it sounds
Well everytime I gain some ground
I gotta turn myself around again
Its harder than it sounds
Well everytime I gain some ground
I gotta turn myself around again

Relient K, 'Forward Motion'

+++

Will be able to supplement my (lack of) income in the next couple weeks. Had a really great second interview this afternoon at a job that would involve a lot of writing and other creative-y things. Had dinner w J. who told me that during his run earlier today that he'd been thinking abt our relationship and felt God telling him to not be so selfish/self-centered as to push something really good (me!) away and was genuinely sweetly sad that I was going home tonight. Scrapping date w Kari & co. tomorrow night and then seeing my fave country group in concert Saturday night.

Forward motion.

I Think About You In The Summertime...

Enjoy, my dears! BLOCKHEAD FOREVER, baby!!

P.S. I Love You

I love that movie. I saw it in the theaters and bought it this afternoon to watch tonight in the midst of my weekend of 'space.'

The first clip, before the credits, when you see them arguing made me laugh. That's just how J. and I argue: I'm overanalyzing everything he's said, he's trying to figure out what I'm trying to say, we both get frustrated and walk off, we almost immediately come back together to hug and kiss and apologize and learn better for the next time. I hope I can convince J. to just watch those 15 minutes and see if it amuses him as much as it did me.

More importantly, though, the movie moved me to make a list of my goals for the summer and tape them to my living room, right in front of where I sit every day, so that they are there, staring me in the face and mocking me for not completing them sooner. The list is both big and small: make 5 new friends, go on a boat ride on a lake, accept God's grace. They are all things I have been putting off for far too long, and I just can't do that anymore. I will jot down little notes as I move towards each goal, and when I accomplish it, I will still leave it on the wall with a big fat red 'X' through it until every one is complete and I can rip them off the wall with glee.

After much discussion with Emmy (thank God for her) re: this whole thing, I think I will need to adapt her advice as my relationship philosophy. We only have today. The movie showed me that. My own experiences have showed me that. J. balks at anything but today.

So I will be today. Fully completely alive in today and today only. For today, my relationship barometer will be v. simple: Am I crazy in love w him? Do I enjoy spending time w him? If the answer is yes to both questions, that will be enough for that day. The next day, I will wake up and do the same thing.

Hopefully, J. will feel the same way. It is so difficult for me to wait in this 'space,' to not know, to just abide, to have to actually believe what I say I believe in, but I will continue to do that these next two days alone.

There is no assurance but today, so I must make the most of it.